A Good Day

It's hard to quantify what constitutes a good day, but compared to many in the last month, today was a good day. Maybe it was the great weather. Maybe it was great friends that called or came by. Maybe it was getting outside to walk, and then coming home to clear snow off the deck. (Bring on the Spring!)

I think it was simply our Lord reflecting His good love on us today in a way that was more obvious than most days. Don't mistake it. There were tears. There was hurt. We missed her. But we also laughed and had a great time connecting with some of our amazing friends. We laughed and enjoyed time playing with Peter. Our great friend Jayne made us "Boeuf Bourguignon" out of Julia Childs' cook book and joined us for dinner. Our dear friends Lucas and Emily brought us the coolest framed verse of Lamentations 3:21-23 to put on our wall. (This passage has sustained us in some of the hardest times in the last month.) I got to have a great conversation with Rich Baker this morning, talking about everything God's doing through Elyse's life and death. My friend Joel came over to just check in on me and be sure I knew that he cared.

Yeah, God's favor on us was obvious today.

On a very sad note, we read a comment on my previous blog post from a Mom that lost her 11 month old son just two weeks ago. We hurt with and for them. This is a long, hard, and painful road.

One friend today asked specifically how to pray.  Since I haven't posted prayer requests lately, I thought it would be good to update our prayer list:

• Please pray that we don't miss anything God is doing. Through this whole process, God has laid the conviction on both of us that we desire to be changed people, and that no part of Elyse's death would be in vain.
• Please pray for Peter's grief and sorrow. We know he is grieving the loss, but also realize he doesn't know how to express it well. We talk to him often about her, and he demands to see her slide show several times a day. The long-term desire is that he'd carry her with him as his little sister for his entire life and that everlasting memories would be impressed on his heart.
• Please pray for us as we head into Elyse's first birthday on Saturday, March 27. It will be a tough day, but we do want to celebrate our little girl.
• Please pray for both of our families. It is so hard on them as well, and is difficult that we aren't able to be there for them as much as we'd like to throughout all of this.

There are many more requests, but I'll leave those for a later day. In the meantime, I again invite you to be sensitive to the Spirit's leading and pray for us as our Lord lays it on your hearts.

Thank you for standing in the gap for us through everything. We are more blessed than we'll ever know.

A New Normal

Tomorrow is one month. One month ago everything that we knew as normal was completely removed. All of our expectations for our normal family were changed forever. In just 12 days, we would be throwing her first birthday party. We'd be wondering how soon it would be that she'd start "cruising." And walking wouldn't be far after. It all changed one month ago.

A month into this I'm feeling numb. The initial shock has worn off. Most people around us have returned to their normal world; and we struggle to figure out what this new normal looks like.

There is so much that has changed in our day to day lives. One of the hardest things is how "easy" the day to day operation of the household is. Fewer diapers. No middle of the night bottle. Less food to prepare. No diaper bag to get ready when we go down the hill. Less laundry to do. A single stroller to push on walks. Less mess in the house. A quicker bath in the evening. Less work. It's easy. And I hate it.

I miss the 3am cries. I miss the diaper changes. I miss how long it took us to get out the door to go down the hill. I miss how complicated getting her dressed was compared to her brother. I miss it all, and would take it all back in a heart beat.

To those reading this with young children, please don't miss the amazing moments God gives you with your children. They may seem burdensome. They may seem repetitive. They may even seem counter-productive. But those are moments to treasure, and you never get them back.

So here we are in the new normal. We didn't choose it, but we must head down this path. In the new normal I find a desperate need for God each and every day. I cling to His new mercies every morning. In the new normal I treasure even the mundane moments with my son. In the new normal I value my Godly wife and her unswerving commitment. I am emptied of so much of who I was a month ago.

Our prayer for ourselves this day is that we don't miss a single thing God is doing in our hearts. We don't want to look back in three years and realize we're still the same people. We want this to have transformed us to the innermost parts in such a way that God would truly glorify Himself through us and our family.

We value your prayers and are so thankful for those in our lives that are sticking with us for the long haul. While a month may seem like a long time, to us it's just the beginning of a long and hard journey. April did a great job in her blog post today of identifying many elements of our grief, and I'd encourage you to read it to understand how you can help stick with us through this.

As an endnote, for those of you who have been praying for Peter, he is doing so much better physically. His cough is almost completely gone, as well as the cold that accompanied it. He continues to ask to see pictures of "Sissy" and obviously misses her. We're happy for this, since we prayed from the beginning that he and Elyse would have a very special relationship. We are blessed that he treasures her, and pray that he would always treasure her memories in his heart.

Beautiful Girl

This is a tribute to my little girl. She would wake up in the middle of the night probably 6 out of 7 nights a week. Many of those nights, I got to be the one to hold her, give her a bottle, and eventually get her back to sleep. They are precious nights in my memory. This song was the final one in the slide show at Elyse's Memorial Service and pretty much says it all. I often find myself waking up in the middle of the night singing this in my head.

Beautiful Girl - Andrew Peterson

I've got your bottle,

and I've got you swaddled

and you're too loud to ignore.

Your mamma is sleeping,

the angels are keeping,

so cry no more.

Hey beautiful girl,

Daddy loves you, he loves you,

most beautiful girl in

in the whole wide world.

The stars are all shining,

the birds are reclining,

the squirrels are all nestled down,

and the trees in the forest

are joining the chorus

and swaying to the sound.

[chorus]

I know that moons rise

and times flies

and sweet little girls get older,

and then when your tooth aches,

or your heart breaks,

will you still cry on my shoulder?

Hey, beautiful girl,

Daddy loves you, he loves you,

most beautiful girl

in the whole wide world.

I miss those nights.

How are you?

Yesterday was three weeks. So how are we doing? The question has been asked of us so many times, from the drive thru at In-n-Out and Starbucks, to people we haven't seen in awhile, to our close friends. Some ask wanting to know, and some just ask out of habit or obligation. I've always made it a point to be honest in answering this question, which can throw some off. I felt sorry for my Life Insurance agent at AAA yesterday when he asked the question out of a genuine care for a brother in Christ. The answer was one he was not expecting.

So how are we? That depends on what moment it is and what thoughts and memories are coming to mind.

In the big picture of everything, we are doing OK. God is so good and so faithful and continues to carry us as we can't carry ourselves. I spoke with a mentor the other day who told me (as a professional psychologist looking from the outside in) that we're doing pretty well, all things considered. Others have echoed the same sentiment, almost in amazement. Some have been inspired by our endurance, others by our overwhelming sense of peace in the trial. Some have told us that, through the rumor mill, they've heard that we're doing just fine.

To be truthful, we're not fine. We may have peace, and we may understand God's love and faithfulness in a whole new way, but we're not fine. We hurt, and hurt deeply. It's the feeling of almost always having a lump at the bottom of your throat. It's the feeling in the deepest depth that you have been completely emptied, and not emptied slowly, but having something in the deepest depth completely ripped out of you. It's brokenness, and it hurts.

I just came down stairs from standing over Elyse's crib in tears. I picture her there and I just miss her so much. I can't be in her room more than a minute without breaking down. Everywhere we go we're haunted by the desire to have her there with us. And we frequently return to the question, "What could we have done differently?" No, we're not fine.

But alas, we are forced to return to the truth. The truth is that we serve an almighty God that loves and cares for us deeply. He is good. He is faithful. He is sovereign. And He is Lord. His mercies are new every morning. We cling to these truths, and repeat them often. In the midst of despair, we are learning to sing praises, quote scripture, and remind each other of the truth that we know in our minds, even when we don't believe it in our emotions.

So how do we want you to respond to us? Many people are obviously nervous in approaching us, and uncomfortable at best in making conversation. We get that. We want you to know that we understand. This is strange territory for all of us. But please know that we love to talk about our little girl. We miss her so very much, but we love to talk about her and remember her. This is healthy. As I've said before, we don't have any desire to "move on" but know we are to "move forward." As we do that, we cling to the most amazing memories that we have of Elyse; and we treasure it when others share their memories of her. Sometimes we're brought to tears, sometimes laughter, but we love the memories.

For those of you not in our daily world, I can't even begin to tell you how much your prayers, cards, scripture, calls and so much more have meant to us. Please don't forget. Please don't forget to pray for the three of us, as well as our extended family and friends. Please don't forget to drop us a note every once in awhile reminding us of truth. Please don't forget our little girl. We aren't going to... ever.

Romans 8:1-2

¹Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ²because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Blessed Be Your Name

We sang this at Elyse's Memorial and it will forever remind me of the truth of who God is and how I am to respond to Him.

Blessed Be Your Name - by Matt Redman

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's all as it should be

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

Peter

Today, three different times, Peter asked, "Where's sissy?"

Before Elyse was born, we asked the Lord to create a very special bond between Peter and her. That bond was definitely present in her 10 1/2 months with us. In her death, we've both been praying that God would give Peter special memories of her that would last his lifetime, memories that would be impossible without God's intervention. I believe that God is granting a small answer to our prayers.

Thank you all for praying for him. He's been sick since before Elyse died, and just continues to hang onto it with a lingering cough that is almost haunting to us. We took him to the doctor today and began him on some antibiotics for a possible sinus infection. Hearing him cough in his sleep, tonight I'm begging God to take this illness away from him. I can't even begin to explain how difficult it is to listen to those sounds, and again, am just begging God to heal him. Someday I'll come to a point of being able to explain this in this forum, but for now I just ask you all to please pray for my son.